The Template We Didn't Design: Values, Beliefs, and the Exhaustion of Living Wrong

Last week I said I'd write about regulation and refocus. Instead, I went down a rabbit hole, into Values.

Agency and Values are one of the four pillars of King Tide Transformations, and if you've ever felt like your life looks fine on paper but still feels wrong underneath, this is where to look.

Because most of us are running on a template we didn't design. A mix of values, beliefs, and purpose we never consciously chose. We often follow rules we never intentionally agreed to.

Then one day the symptoms show up.

You're exhausted, the kind of tired that sleep can't fix. You're snappy with people you love. You're numbing out with wine, your phone, or whatever keeps the hum of wrongness quiet. You have what you're "supposed" to have, but something inside refuses to settle.

Sound familiar?

Let's look at the template.

Values, Beliefs, and the Difference That Changes Everything

People often confuse values and beliefs, but they're not the same thing.

Beliefs are what you think is true about the world:

• "Hard work leads to success."

• "Good mothers sacrifice everything."

• "If I don't do it, it won't get done."

• "Taking risks is irresponsible."

• "You can't trust people."

Values are what matters to you , what guides your choices:

• Security

• Freedom

• Authenticity

• Connection

• Achievement

Your beliefs reinforce the values you absorbed.

My Example

My parents believed in security and obedience.
I couldn’t plainly ask for help. That never felt safe. It still doesn’t.

That belief kept me in a 20+ year relationship lived mostly on autopilot.
That’s what so many of us do, drift into coping instead of choosing, because it feels easier than facing the gap between how we live and what we believe.
Asking anyone for help felt like a non-option. I kept treading water, calling it strength, until I went under.

The culture I grew up in valued compliance, being a “good woman,” a “good mother,” a “good daughter,” someone who doesn’t make waves.
So I absorbed the belief that good people sacrifice themselves for others.
That belief had me painting over the cracks in a crumbling house to hide them because good women hold it together, even as they’re falling apart inside, even as the walls around them start to give way.

The values I upheld for most of my life were downloaded from parents, school, culture, community, feminism, and church.
I didn’t design them. I never questioned them. I just ran the program.
And the program pulled me under, one quiet compromise at a time.

But the truth is, as a mother, I still hold similar values like security, family, responsibility.
But now I uphold them according to my own beliefs, because the way I was taught to uphold them once cost me myself.

I left three years ago. Moved to a different country with my kids. Started rebuilding.

And I’m still figuring it out. I still doubt myself weekly. I’m still being told I’m having a “midlife episode,” that I’m being reckless, that I should have just asked for help.

But here’s what I know now that I didn’t know then: peaceful alone is not the same as surrounded-by-people alone.

The loneliness I feel now, choosing myself even when it’s messy, is nothing compared to the loneliness I felt drowning in a house full of people who never saw me.

That doesn’t make the doubt easier. But it makes it worth it.

The Question That Changes Everything

So don't just ask what your values are but ask where they came from.

Who taught you that this matters and what should it look like? When you say family is your priority, whose voice is that? When you say you value security, is that yours, or your parents' fear of risk? When you say you value hard work, is that genuine purpose, or what earned you praise and approval?

Most of us are still running these old programs:

• From parents who valued stability over growth.

• From schools that rewarded compliance over curiosity.

• From culture that glorifies busyness and performance.

We absorbed it all. Then we wondered why our lives don't fit.

Anchor Thought:
When I stop performing what I was taught to value, I finally have space to see what I actually value.

Next time: We'll talk about how these absorbed values shape your beliefs and purpose, and what it really costs to choose differently.